The real meaning behind the abbreviations in personal ads

FIRST THE WOMEN
40-ish - 48
Adventurer - Has had more partners than you ever will
Athletic - Flat-chested
Average looking - Ugly
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Contagious Smile - Bring your penicillin
Educated - College dropout
Emotionally Secure - Medicated
Feminist - Fat; ball buster
Free spirit - Substance user
Friendship first - Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun - Annoying
Gentle - Comatose
Good Listener - Borderline Autistic
New-Age - All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned - Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded - Desperate
Outgoing - Loud
Passionate - Loud
Poet - Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional - Real Witch

Reubenesque - Grossly Fat
Romantic - Looks better by candle light
Voluptuous - Very Fat
Weight proportional to height - Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate - One step away from stalking
Widow - Nagged first husband to death
Young at heart - Toothless crone


THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST
40-ish - 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic - Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average looking - Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated - Will always treat you like an idiot
Free Spirit - Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first - As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun - Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking - Arrogant
Honest - Pathological Liar
Huggable - Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Like to cuddle - Insecure, overly dependent
Mature - Until you get to know him
Open-minded - Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested
Physically fit - I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself

Spiritual - Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday
Stable - Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Thoughtful - Says "Please" when demanding a beer